there’s no pretense.

I.. don’t know what to expect anymore.

Who is that man I see? Staring straight back at me. When will my reflection show, who I am inside? What I am inside? What I can do inside?

10 more days to POP. I’m not exactly happy now.

:/

Pastor talked about this passage today.

2 Corinthians 4:7-15

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, but not in despair; crushed, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NLT)

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Oh how I needed this. Yes I will focus on the things that cannot be seen. God is good. (:

So I just got home not too long ago. I’ve completed field camp and SIT test, the first last week and the latter, just today. Field camp wasn’t as tiring as I thought it would be. The most tiring day for me was the first, when I had the 8km route march to the camp site. The others days were bearable. I hated the camo and high kneeling process. Whatever, it’s over.

Things I experienced for the time through field camp.
- Not bathing for 5 straight nights.
- Not brushing my teeth for 5 straight nights. A layer of plaque formed after the 6 days.
- Digging my own shit-hole to shit, and covering it up when I’m done.
- Digging a shell-scrape (my bed a.k.a grave).

SIT test was quite fun. The 12km route march on Thursday night seemed rather simple. I think I’m getting used to all the marching. The 4km fast march the next day wasn’t though. It was really tiring, maybe because it was the first time we all did it. The 2km fast march today seemed so easy in comparison. Perhaps it was because I already knew what to expect.

My assessor today was a officer reservist from Guards. Let’s just hope I did well. I’m really not in the mood to type anything else.

At least I get to go church and serve tomorrow morning.

Thank you for applying to the University Scholar Programme at the National University of Singapore.

… … … Due to the overwhelming demand, it has been a very painful and difficult decision for the management to turn away so many enthusiastic students like you from our programme.

… … … We hope you are not discouraged by this unsuccessful application and that you will continue to pursue your interests in various areas of study in the future.

We wish you the best in your studies and future accomplishments.

After that letter, I switched on my computer, checked my email, and I saw this. Rejection. It tastes so bad, so vile. And I remember one of my section mates cursing to me that USP accepted him but NUS didn’t offer him a double degree course, and so he’s going to choose NTU, which offered him a double degree course. So now I’m left wondering what if UPS had given that place to me instead. Perfect.

So now I’m left with NUS FASS, and SMU, which I’m not having high hopes of getting in as well.

Maybe I’m really not good enough.

Thank you for your application and your interest in studying at our university.

We appreciate the time and effort you took in applying to us. … … …

We have reviewed your application thoroughly but regret to inform you that you have not been successful in your application. … … …

With best wishes.

I ripped open the NTU letter the moment I reached home. Though I didn’t have high hopes of getting into NTU, I still clung on to that slightest possibility (Read this). Up till just now, I haven’t gotten any letter or email from any of the universities I applied for. Honestly, I’d rather it remained that way. The first letter I received; rejection. It felt so bad, so discouraging, so depressing. Really..

I’d rather not receive anything than a rejection letter. Keep me waiting till I know I can forget about it.

Maybe I’m not good enough.

I know it’s darn early to be saying this.. but I seriously can’t wait for Christmas. I don’t know why. Let 25th December come quickly..

Hark the Herald Angels Sing.. Glory to the New Born King..

It has been one month and a day since I enlisted into the army and subsequently into Orion company. Looking back, I can’t really decide if the past month seem to have passed quickly or not. Seemed like yesterday that I was just taking the “Tekong Penguin” to the island, yet so many things have passed.

I’m having my field camp this coming week. Truthfully, I’m not really afraid of the field camp. I’m dreading the 8km route march to the camp site more. The previous 6km route march in FBO attire almost killed me, but I guess this time I should (I hope) be more ready and prepared for the 8km one.

One part of me don’t really look forward to the field camp, because I know it’s going to be physically tiring, and not to forget mentally draining. After Individual Field Craft (IFC), we got a taste of what Orion outfield is like, and it’s crazy. The commanders’ tolerance level are super low, and so “whole lot knock it down‘ commands are given like water. Yet another part of me looks forward to it, because I know after field camp things will be much easier, and also because I know field camp is when you’re tested and pushed beyond your limits. The little sleep time, the things you have to do, and not to forget the punishments..they’re tiring and harsh, but yet it makes you stronger, and it’ll make me stronger.

Yet through this one month I’ve realized something: that I don’t have to be afraid; that God is with me. This one month I’ve realized how He has been so real. It’s really when I’m so tired in between and during PT, when all the crap happens around and to me and I have no one else to turn to that I begin to know that He’s there. God’s there.

Twice I’ve nearly lost my IC, and I got so miserable and discouraged, yet I found it back. Once I’ve had a bad stomach and diarrhoea, and it lasted 3-4 days in which on one day it was really quite bad that I shitted 5 times. Oh and I totally had no appetite during this period and so I ate very little. Still He gave me strength and I continued with the PTs. Once I lost my bayonet, and it was during my live range outfield which I had on the Monday of this week. Yet thank God that someone found it, though whether or not I will be punshed for it is another matter (I’ll most probably get guard duty if I am).

When you’re really down and discouraged and you have really no one else to turn to, I realized He always came through for me. He has never forsaken me. He ended up always turning things around for me.

And so I’m not afraid of the route march, I’m not afraid of the field camp, I’m not afraid of the RT, the IPPT, the SOC, even when it gets discouraging I know God will come through for me. I know I will pass them all.

I’m going to book in later tonight for the RT session tomorrow once again, but I’m glad I’m going to church before that. (:

You get to meet a lot of different people in the army. Just when you thought you’ve seen it all, welcome to the SAF. It’s a whole new world. (:

I thank God that I have relatively good bunk mates. They make life in camp much more fun and bearable. With that said, there are 12 other people sleeping in the same bunk as me. I can’t say I like all 12 of them. (Suddenly, I feel so childish saying this, but I’m too lazy to think of another way to put it across.)

Compromise. That’s what you need to have to get along with people sometimes, and so yes. I compromise. I compromise when I realize some people really just don’t know how to compromise. Weird huh?

So what kind of people do you meet in the army? Wayang, ciaokeng, AP, AA, you name it, you’ll have it. (: Some people’s attitude really suck. Serious. Like the fact that they still just refuse to march properly and move fast when the bulk of most of our “knock it down“s are due to that. Oh and not to forget those who just can’t stop complaining. I’m not talking about casual whining, but rather those who really go on and on about it and you can tell it from their tone. We’re all going to go through these two years whether we like it or not. So stop complaining. Just like what the army says, “SUCK IT UP!”

(: