there’s no pretense.

I just booked out long ago. Sorry I didn’t have the time to update before I went into Sispec. Had to prioritize. (:

I’m quite shagged now. The past week has been rather slack. Full of lectures(a.k.a nap time). But(there’s always a ‘but’), the training has been tiring. My calfs are aching now from all the running. Crap load of running.

But then again, maybe it’s because I haven’t been running much during block leave.

Pardon me. I need some sleep.

Weather Forecast was right. It rained cows and goats today, at the right place, at the right time. Another day of me feeling extremely lazy and tired, so I did nothing but eat, read the papers, watch the TV, and sleep, that is, up till now.

Well to cut the long story short, after I had enough of the TV, I was supposed to go and study. BUT (this is always the key word isn’t it?), my bed was too tempting. Yeah you know what happens next, I lied down on it and the next thing I knew I fell asleep.

I didn’t regret it much though. Slept for around 3 plus hours. The weather was so good for a nap. It started raining quite heavily temperature was so cool. I sure hope the weather is like this everyday. (:

I’ll have to do some work later on. Exams are still not over. No mood, and it sucks.

I woke up at 11.30am today. I’m quite surprised at how late i woke up today even though i slept at around 2am the previous night. I don’t know why i thought this way though. I had expected myself to wake up at 10 plus. I don’t know why i expected that as well. what a random thought, but just as well because i didn’t quite want to wake up and feel moody. I remember the first thing i thought about when i woke up today was what was frustrating me. What a sad way to start a day.

—

Speaking about sleep, Bible study today mentioned a bit about that. Well i was quite amused when the teacher spoke about insomnia. Come to think about it, how can anyone actually suffer from insomnia? How can one not be able to sleep?! It’s like how can one not drink water. It’s like how can one not shit. It’s like how can one not blink. Sleep is just part of us. Sleep is so fundamental, so basic, our basic behaviour when we feel tired and weary. SLEEP IS JUST SO ME. It allows me to forget everything. When i feel down and troubled and frustrated and filled with thoughts i don’t want to think about, i go to sleep, and hopefully dream about the way i want things to turn out in my dreams. It has happened before and at least i feel a little happy when i wake up, though it won’t last long. I know i’m just running away, but it beats staying awake and living out the nightmare. We sleep when we feel like it. We sleep even when we don’t feel like it. Insomnia is just.. unfathomable.

—

I went for the mother’s day dinner at my aunt’s house after service earlier just now. It was alright, but what struck me was the kids. Looking at the kids play hide and seek in such a small house, nostalgia kinda engulfed me. Years ago, i was doing that, playing with my cousins and having fun, not caring how others looked at me and how much i embarrass myself. I looked forward to going to my grandma’s house in the past. Now.. it’s just not the same anymore.

Hide and seek, block catching, going to playgrounds, the ice-freeze game, pepsi cola. Do you remember these games? Do you remember the times when you played them? I don’t really speak with my cousins now. When friends tell me of them going out with their cousins and all that, i really don’t know why it’s different for me.

I guess maybe it’s me. I don’t know how to talk to them. I don’t really exactly know how we drew apart in the first place. It was like we just didn’t talk to one another all of a sudden. We didnt’ fight or quarrel or anything, which is why i don’t how how we became so distant. Maybe something happened that I don’t know, or i don’t remember. Maybe it’s because of my family, the rot that was in it when i was young. My childhood was not really a fairytale, though it’s not that extreme to the point of being so horrible. Maybe, so many maybe’s.

—

If you are following me, i’m going to sleep now.